Giving/Donation

"You're so stingy!", my mother told me. 'Whatever,' I thought. She had nagged me for some time about giving some money to my uncle, her brother, because he needed it for building his new house. He, well, actually, my aunt, since he had never held on to a job, retired and so had to move out of the company house that they had been living ever since I knew them.
So, they were building this new house, and I've heard from some other family members, it was a pretty big house. My mother, her sister, and another brother of her called the nieces and nephews around and said that we should donate/give some money to this uncle to help. My mother talked about it when we met. Her sister called. My other uncle even came to school (where I teach.
I didn't get it. First, this uncle, and his family, had been living in the company house for ages, and so they had to have saved some money. Second, he has two daughters, both work and have steady jobs (from what I heard). One is already married and seems to be doing fine. Third, he never called and said anything to me, not a word. WHY should I give him money?
My husband and I have agreed that other than the children, we would be really careful about giving/lending money to relatives/friends.
First, we should ask if it's crucial for them, like for food or children's school. Second, if they borrow, would they really be able to return it? Giving/Lending money is a tricky business, especially in Indonesian culture, where it is so common. You run the risk of being called "stingy" or "arrogant" . In fact, we're already called that. We don't really care, though. We've seen Indo parents who throw away money for relatives for ambiguous purposes (businesses, celebrations), but aren't ready when they retire, or when their children get married (in Indo parents fund their children's weddings) or even when the children need to go to school.

Parents, parents, parents

What is it with parents?
What do you do if you don't like your parents? What do you do if you don't like spending time with your parents? What do you do if it always seems that having a conversation with your parents always feels like an effort, and doesn't come naturally? What do you do if you don't miss your parents even though you haven't meet them for months? What do you do if you even dread getting their phone calls? What if you, for some reason, do miss them and go meet them, but then almost always regret meeting them? For what they seem to do is telling you that you need to do this and that, and seems not really wanting to know how you are?
What should you do if you think that your parents can spend more time with their children and grandchildren, but it always seems that they're only willing if it's convenient for them or if it's a chance for them to give a long speech?
What do you do if at times you extremely disagree with your parents' opinion but you just can't seem to voice your own?

Living with my teenage daughter

This will be the third week that I live with my daughter IN her apartment. It's kind of difficult. Every time she just tosses her stuff everywhere I just want to scream to her to put them where they belong. Or even worse, pick them up myself. Each time she wakes up late I feel like lecturing her for ten minutes. Or, how about when she's procrastinating, skypeing her friends and chitchat for what seems like hours when her homework is not done yet. It's maddening at times.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, she's still a teen and living from mom and dad's money. For "Asian" parents there, you may say, well, why not scold her? "You're still the parents here. Besides, she hasn't got a job, or got married". (I put quotes between Asian there, because I know, not every asian parents are involved and ever-present like the stereotypical, and I've learned that many western parents are VERY involved and instructional with their children, but, we'll stick to the stereotype this time, to make it easy.) But I bite my tongue, most of the time anyway.
First, I don't want her to do those things because I told her so. That would be useless. The minute I'm gone then she'll go back to her bad habits. What's the use then?
Second, I don't want her to resent my presence. It's not that I don't want her to hate me. Well, maybe, yes, a little bit. But if she hates my presence then, it would undermine everything else that I say and do. And I don't want that.
So, I do the "do as I do" approach. I go to bed no later then midnight, at least in workdays. We know that she's got a bad habit of going to bed at two or even three in the morning, and we've been telling her that it's ruining her metabolism and making her sleepy at morning lectures. I wake up no later than seven in the morning. (I don't know, it;s so hard to wake up earlier than seven in us. I mean, really awake. I can't figure out why. I can easily wake up at six in jakarta. I wonder why..) I exercise at least five times a week. I take yoga class near the university. I eat healthily most of the time. I do tell her these things, that, you know, she needs to build good habits in order to have a good life, and it's important to build good habits while you're young. She has the knowledge but it's the practicing that's difficult. Building good habits is not easy and takes time. I hope she gets it.

Back in US

Back in US after a year. This time, I'm taking my other daughter to her school, spending some time with my oldest, and having some vacation time. Too bad that we can't stay together as a family at the same time. Well, that's the problem when the breadwinner is not some conglomerate who doesn't have to show up at the office day after day. Oh well, this is so human, always wanting more and more.
This is the first time that my other daughter go to us. She loves it, fortunately. I don't know why my children get accustomed to living in us so easily. I guess maybe we don't spoil them enough in Jakarta. (Is that the right logic?) Or maybe they have heard stories about us living in us a long time ago that it seemed like they know this country. I don't know.
For the first week everything was good, even great, since henry and my sister (who lives in us), my daughters and I are all together. But when they left, I can feel that bit of loneliness. I'm surprised that it came up so soon. The plan is that I'm gonna stay until the beginning of September! My goodness, I need to do something about it. Probably need to get into some kind of a schedule. Yup, I'll do that.

Smoking/No Smoking?

Went to the golf clubhouse's restaurant this afternoon. I was waiting for my kids to finish their golf. Settling comfortably in a plush couch sipping my avocado juice, when 3 korean guys came over to a table next to mine. All of a sudden, I could smell cigarette smoke! I was sitting in a non smoking part. The resto is pretty big, and it has a smoking section. It was ridiculous! They can even sit outside for goodness sake! So selfish.

Wickedness

The other day a friend told me things about her family. One of her sisters is married. She's always telling bad stuff about her husband. She's not happy about her husband, obviously. One day, she told everybody that her mother-in-law was really sick. Since this family come from Batak and the mother was quite old, and has got all her children married, the family knows that they would have to hold a big party (!) when the mother died (the father has long gone). The daughters and the daughter-in-laws would have to make identical black kebaya (to wear at the party) then.
So, this friend's sister told her family that her sister-in-laws said that all of them would have to make the kebaya in Medan (where the mother-in-law and some of her sister-in-laws live)! At first, my friend's family believed her. Because she stuck to her story. But after a while, it really didn't make any sense. My friend thought that it just couldn't be true. She suspected that her sister just made this up so that her husband's family looked foolish and ridiculous. Now, that was wicked! That was deceit.
My friend told me that she could stand mistakes or even stupidity. But wickedness? She's angry and sad at the same time that her sister could do such things.

Children

I was in Prapat, North Sumatera on a vacation. My family and I were staying at a hotel. My daughter and I were sitting at the lounge. She needed to finish her college applications and I was helping her (not too much). Next to us, there was a pool table with a man playing, while some kids watched him. We first didn't pay any attention to them.
We could hear the kids chattering and clapping their hands and my daughter (probably tired of doing the applications and needed a reprieve) looked up from her laptop and stared at them. After some time, she nudged me and told me to look at the kids.
I noticed that the kids are cheering at the man. Whenever the guy didn't put any balls out, they symphatize with him. And any time he put a ball down the hole, they cheered. I asked my daughter if they were related. And my daughter was convinced that they didn't.
We kept looking at the kids. It is true. The guy left, and then some young people played. We knew that they are not related to the kids, because the kids' parents were walking around discussing a tour plan and they didn't communicate at all with the young people. The same thing happened. Then the parents called the kids up and told them to go somewhere. Now, another set of kids came and watched the young people. And you know what? Now, we were just amazed because these kids did just the same!!
Whenever somebody played good, they cheered and even said "Yes!". And whenever the opposite thing happened, they said "Uh..oh..".
My daughter said, "This is amazing. These kids don't know the people playing. Yet, they cheered on them like some fans. And they symphatize when people played bad. It's incredible." I'm not sure. The kids are around 5 to 8. So, maybe they still have their innocence. They don't really care who play. They are happy when people play well. They are happy for them! Or maybe the air of holiday and vacation help. I know for sure that when we are older we definitely don't do the same things. We tend to look at and think of things when they affect us beneficially, or more if negatively.